God’s Mercy and Direction

Yesterday we went to Restoration Orphanage and I fell in love with a sweet little boy who actually is available for adoption and is around 2 years old. What a little snuggle bug. When I picked him up, he just immediately wrapped both arms around my neck and laid his head down. It wasn't too long after that he fell asleep in my arms. When I tried to lay him gently down in his bed, he woke up and was not happy. He was screaming and crying and was very upset. It took the nanny some time to calm him down. We came back after lunch and loved on the kids some more and I got to hang out with him for awhile. I got to hold him and take him on a tour through the building. We stood out on the balcony for awhile and I talked to him and prayed over him and he gave me lots of hugs. What a cute little guy! Later we went back up to the baby room where from what I could tell, he is the oldest boy. The nanny's brought some toys out and he has quite an arm on him - he can throw a ball really well. He was standing next to me and held out his hand and I was being silly and shook his hand and said "nice to meet you" and he thought that was so fun - he kept sticking his hand out and waiting for me to do and say it over and over again. Right before we left - the nanny gave him a bottle and he came over and laid down on me to drink it. Before long, he was out. I just rubbed his little head while he slept and he looks so content and peaceful. But as smooth as I tried to be in picking him up and moving him to his bed - he wasn't fooled and he woke up screaming mad again that I put him down. We all had to put down kids and so the nursery was full of crying babies. The nanny's grabbed some toys and tried to calm them down. It broke my heart to see him crying like that. He just so loves to be held. I found out that his name means "His mercy" referring to God's mercy. Several times the team would see me holding him and say "he's available Autumn - you could adopt him" and I found my eyes welling up with tears several times. I've always wanted to adopt a little boy from Ethiopia and here I was face to face with a very real little boy who was in my arms who is available for adoption and who just happened to be the little boy that captured my heart. There was another single woman there who was adopting one of the kids. I got to talk to her briefly and just found it interesting that she was there that day. But she is adopting a girl and I know a lot of countries don't allow singles to adopt the opposite gender. But I looked up the adopting agency website for the agency this orphanage works with and it didn't say anything about adopting a specific gender and singles over 25 can adopt from her through them. Which is awesome because a lot of other agencies I had looked at didn't allow it here. I know the ideal situation for a child is a mom and a dad. And for a little boy especially - a dad. It makes me sad that I don't have a dad to offer a child. But obviously that's not in my hands. I just keep praying and asking God - why is my heart breaking, why am I so wanting to be a mom and adopt a child and yet why at the same time am I struggling with letting go of the order I thought things would happen. A few of my team members at dinner that night said they thought I should start the process trying to adopt him and let God open or close doors if it's truly meant to be. It's not that I don't want to step out in faith - but I really don't want to get ahead of God. And I think with matters of the heart - it's harder to discern what God is saying sometimes. And I'm just not sure what he's saying. Some days, I think he's saying "wait" and other days I think he's saying "step forward in faith". I'm reading a book at home called Adopting on Your Own - it's all about single adoption and the chapter I was on before I left was about how when you really start to consider adopting as a single, there is a mourning process of letting go of the dreams of having a spouse first and just the order most people dream of things happening. I know that's true of me. I've wanted to be a wife and mom since I can remember - in that order. So the idea of raising a child on my own is scary. This book is great because it talks about all those fears. Fears about never having any help or a break and getting overwhelmed. I love kids and I know I have a lot of love to give and I know without a doubt I want to adopt. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to do it by myself. And I think I am in that mourning process right now. I'm still moving forward slowly, trying to let go of my plans and asking God what His are. I talked to my roommate about moving out - felt like it was time to try it on my own. And it would be a good step towards seeing how I do financially without a roommate before adopting. The cool thing is - my roommate was feeling ready to live on her own anyway. So that worked out well. God's timing is so awesome. She was excited to look for her own place. And I'm excited to live alone too with my Auty girl. And it really is a good step towards adoption. And if God's plan is for me to adopt as a single - I do not want fear to stop me. I just want to make sure I hear from Him first. And I'm just praying that hearing from Him won't be so difficult with this matter of the heart. I keep praying for confirmation one way or another. I would love all the prayers I can get. I do not take raising a child lightly. I know it is a forever commitment so I don't want to just jump in blindly without seeking God fully and without knowing exactly what it all will mean for my life. So if you're reading this, I would love your prayers for just clarity from the Lord. 

In the meantime, I have this little boy in my heart and on my mind. And I'm hoping we get to go back for one more visit before we leave Ethiopia. We are going to try to get the  AWA mural done in the morning on Monday and are hoping we can go get some baby formula with donation money the team raised and drop some off at Korah and Restoration. We need to make sure that would be ok with both places for us to stop by again. But we all really want to. Our hearts were moved by both those places. I have fallen in love with Ethiopia. I loved Uganda too. But in a different way. It's kind of hard to explain. I hope to go back to both but I feel my heart more invested in Ethiopia. Maybe it's because here I really felt God challenging me to get outside my comfort zone in new ways. And the need in Korah was so great. I love that one of our past team members saw that need and was moved to help. And it was awesome to be able to see that ministry in action. I just love that past team members have been so moved to do more that they couldn't go home and back to life as normal. We are seeing it happen more and more and that is the best part of what we do at Visiting Orphans. To know lives are being changed all around - in the kids and people our teams visit but also in the lives of the team members themselves. We are called to go. And God is then moving those who are obedient to that call to not just go but to be the change the world needs. And so many of them are responding to that call, moving their lives to other countries, starting new ministries, adopting, going on more trips and more. I love that I get to see it all happen and to see God working in such amazing ways. Our God is an awesome God! And He is alive and well and working today. I can't wait to see what comes from this very trip in the lives of these team members. It's exciting to think about. We shall see what God does!