It's been awhile since I wrote on this blog. I've primarily been blogging on my adoption blog here for the past year. Oh what a year it has been. So much has changed. Actually, almost everything has changed.
At home, I no longer have a roommate and I now have a bedroom ready for a little boy to reside in when that day finally arrives when I get to bring him home (I pray it's soon). I've painted, rearranged and made things child-proofed. The house is ready.
At Visiting Orphans, I'm now the Executive Director, we have several new staff, a new office, a new email system and team sharing site, new phones and phone number, a new fax number, we've got new partnership ministries and some have transitioned out, and I could go on and on about things that are changing daily there.
It is truly a season of transition and change.
No wonder I'm having dreams about tornadoes completely wiping everything out in sight and yet, there I am unharmed and miraculously, all the other people are unharmed too. I feel like God is reminding me that He's right here through all these changes. The structure may come out looking COMPLETELY different but His people will be ok - He's bringing us through the "storm" so to speak. And even though all this change is good and necessary for God to take things in the direction He's leading, I think most people recognize that change can be hard.
I'm reading a book called "Sun Stand Still" by Steven Furtick right now. Timely, amazing, so very good for me to be reading right now. It is speaking so much to me in my adoption and in my new role at Visiting Orphans and to my heart in the midst of all this change and all this responsibility. I feel like I've been highlighting half the book. This part really spoke to me:
That's a relief. Because I'd be lying if I said I didn't have fears about all this responsibility I have now and more that's coming. I hear this scripture in my head almost daily:
I feel it. The weight of the much I've been given. And yet I also feel the Lord telling me to stop trying to carry all of it by myself. There is fear of failure as the leader of an organization that sends people to care for orphans and fear of failure as I venture into life as a single mom. And fear in wondering how in the world am I going to do both of those very huge, important things and do them both well. I don't take responsibility lightly. I want to do it well! No wonder I dreamed the other night that I was dead and no one could hear me - the entire dream was spent feeling helpless and voiceless and yet worried about all my responsibilities. I was so upset in the dream. "I can't really be dead. God - send me back - raise me from the dead. I have so much more to do. More that I want to do. I'm about to be a mom to a precious little boy, I have a dog, I have a job to do at Visiting Orphans. I want to be there for my family and friends. Please bring me back. I'm not finished yet." And as frustrating as this dream was, I realized later that there's all these things that I'm "responsible" for and I am honored and thankful to be responsible for them - they are all things I love and am truly passionate about and yet those same things are all things I can't control. Responsibility can be misleading. ME alone, I am not responsible for it ALL, even though I sometimes forget that!!! I need to be faithful to do my part but I do not need to carry it by myself. I have to die to myself and my need or desire to feel like I'm in control. I have to lean into God and HE alone has to be the one to give life to these things. He's teaching me so much in this season. Things that I know I need to learn. Things I know He wants me to learn - now... before I venture into the ultimate responsibility... motherhood. I need to get this.
There are days when I find myself saying "God, are you sure you meant to choose me for all this? Can I really handle it?" And yet another great quote from Sun Stand Still jumps off the page at me:
Whew, that's a relief - cause I feel overwhelmed. Not to the point of giving up but just to the point of "whoa, this is a lot!" and that daily realization that I CANNOT nor do I want to do it alone.
That lesson about control and responsibility - I'm starting to get it. I knew adoption was hard and long and unpredictable. It certainly has been. It's heart-wrenching and oh such a lesson in trusting God and letting go of control. In adoption, we are so not in control. Most days, I feel completely helpless. All I can do is pray. And I think that's exactly the place I need to be. So much in life is really an illusion of control. Who are we kidding? We are not the ones in control of much of anything. To fully grasp that and stop trying and to recognize that I can do nothing in all of this to make it go any faster or any smoother - it's hard but at the same time - it's kind of freeing too. I feel like even though this wait has been hard, God is using it to prepare me for being a mom. I know this leaning on God and realizing I can't control things will be a re-occurring theme in my life as a mom. As a soon-to-be-single mom, there are a lot of fears that I have and yet, I've already been seeing God bring other people into my son's life to look out for him, check in on him and love on him until I can bring him home. God is reminding me daily that He's his father and he's watching out for him and that comes in the form of many different people being His hands and feet on a daily basis. I am so thankful for those who are willing to be His hands and feet. Do I want to be the one that gets to be there and meet my son's needs? Of course I do. But right now, I can't be and so I thank God for all those who can and who are willing. And I know that even when he is home and I am caring for him - even then, I'm not meant to do it all alone. It takes a village. And speaking of which - I love this blog by Jen Hatmaker about exactly that: http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/11/02/how-to-be-the-village
So maybe it's natural to feel overwhelmed by all of this. And though I should be and I am, at the same time, if it even makes sense, I won't be overwhelmed. I am hearing these song lyrics below daily playing in my head. I should be overwhelmed, but in Christ, I won't be. I hear you Lord - and I'm listening. I know I need to get this. It's only overwhelming if I keep trying to do it by myself. I want to get this. I will get this.
At home, I no longer have a roommate and I now have a bedroom ready for a little boy to reside in when that day finally arrives when I get to bring him home (I pray it's soon). I've painted, rearranged and made things child-proofed. The house is ready.
At Visiting Orphans, I'm now the Executive Director, we have several new staff, a new office, a new email system and team sharing site, new phones and phone number, a new fax number, we've got new partnership ministries and some have transitioned out, and I could go on and on about things that are changing daily there.
It is truly a season of transition and change.
No wonder I'm having dreams about tornadoes completely wiping everything out in sight and yet, there I am unharmed and miraculously, all the other people are unharmed too. I feel like God is reminding me that He's right here through all these changes. The structure may come out looking COMPLETELY different but His people will be ok - He's bringing us through the "storm" so to speak. And even though all this change is good and necessary for God to take things in the direction He's leading, I think most people recognize that change can be hard.
I'm reading a book called "Sun Stand Still" by Steven Furtick right now. Timely, amazing, so very good for me to be reading right now. It is speaking so much to me in my adoption and in my new role at Visiting Orphans and to my heart in the midst of all this change and all this responsibility. I feel like I've been highlighting half the book. This part really spoke to me:
"If you're afraid of some of the gigantic changes you sense God is trying to make in your life, you need to know that your fear is normal. Not only are your fears normal, they're also valid. And they can even serve an important purpose. If you didn't have major fears about the big things God is calling you to do, I'd be worried. The goal of faith isn't to take away your fears but to leverage those fears to create bolder belief. Faith leads you past your fears and reassures you of God's presence. And after a while, you begin to trust that God is going to lift you above the waves this time just like he did last time."
That's a relief. Because I'd be lying if I said I didn't have fears about all this responsibility I have now and more that's coming. I hear this scripture in my head almost daily:
"For everyone to whom much is given, of him shall much be required." -- Luke 12:48.
I feel it. The weight of the much I've been given. And yet I also feel the Lord telling me to stop trying to carry all of it by myself. There is fear of failure as the leader of an organization that sends people to care for orphans and fear of failure as I venture into life as a single mom. And fear in wondering how in the world am I going to do both of those very huge, important things and do them both well. I don't take responsibility lightly. I want to do it well! No wonder I dreamed the other night that I was dead and no one could hear me - the entire dream was spent feeling helpless and voiceless and yet worried about all my responsibilities. I was so upset in the dream. "I can't really be dead. God - send me back - raise me from the dead. I have so much more to do. More that I want to do. I'm about to be a mom to a precious little boy, I have a dog, I have a job to do at Visiting Orphans. I want to be there for my family and friends. Please bring me back. I'm not finished yet." And as frustrating as this dream was, I realized later that there's all these things that I'm "responsible" for and I am honored and thankful to be responsible for them - they are all things I love and am truly passionate about and yet those same things are all things I can't control. Responsibility can be misleading. ME alone, I am not responsible for it ALL, even though I sometimes forget that!!! I need to be faithful to do my part but I do not need to carry it by myself. I have to die to myself and my need or desire to feel like I'm in control. I have to lean into God and HE alone has to be the one to give life to these things. He's teaching me so much in this season. Things that I know I need to learn. Things I know He wants me to learn - now... before I venture into the ultimate responsibility... motherhood. I need to get this.
There are days when I find myself saying "God, are you sure you meant to choose me for all this? Can I really handle it?" And yet another great quote from Sun Stand Still jumps off the page at me:
"When you reflect on God's vision for your life, you should be overwhelmed."
Whew, that's a relief - cause I feel overwhelmed. Not to the point of giving up but just to the point of "whoa, this is a lot!" and that daily realization that I CANNOT nor do I want to do it alone.
“It’s not wrong to feel fear. It is wrong to let that fear have the last word in your life. The people who accomplish the most astounding things for God’s glory aren’t the people who feel the least fear. Often they’re the one who deal with the most intense fear. But instead of letting that fear disable their dreams, they start increasing their capacity for faith. They act on the part of God’s direction they do understand. And they leave the rest up to him.” - Sun Stand Still
That lesson about control and responsibility - I'm starting to get it. I knew adoption was hard and long and unpredictable. It certainly has been. It's heart-wrenching and oh such a lesson in trusting God and letting go of control. In adoption, we are so not in control. Most days, I feel completely helpless. All I can do is pray. And I think that's exactly the place I need to be. So much in life is really an illusion of control. Who are we kidding? We are not the ones in control of much of anything. To fully grasp that and stop trying and to recognize that I can do nothing in all of this to make it go any faster or any smoother - it's hard but at the same time - it's kind of freeing too. I feel like even though this wait has been hard, God is using it to prepare me for being a mom. I know this leaning on God and realizing I can't control things will be a re-occurring theme in my life as a mom. As a soon-to-be-single mom, there are a lot of fears that I have and yet, I've already been seeing God bring other people into my son's life to look out for him, check in on him and love on him until I can bring him home. God is reminding me daily that He's his father and he's watching out for him and that comes in the form of many different people being His hands and feet on a daily basis. I am so thankful for those who are willing to be His hands and feet. Do I want to be the one that gets to be there and meet my son's needs? Of course I do. But right now, I can't be and so I thank God for all those who can and who are willing. And I know that even when he is home and I am caring for him - even then, I'm not meant to do it all alone. It takes a village. And speaking of which - I love this blog by Jen Hatmaker about exactly that: http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/11/02/how-to-be-the-village
So maybe it's natural to feel overwhelmed by all of this. And though I should be and I am, at the same time, if it even makes sense, I won't be overwhelmed. I am hearing these song lyrics below daily playing in my head. I should be overwhelmed, but in Christ, I won't be. I hear you Lord - and I'm listening. I know I need to get this. It's only overwhelming if I keep trying to do it by myself. I want to get this. I will get this.
God, I look to You, I won’t be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God, I look to You, You’re where my help comes from
Give me wisdom; You know just what to do
from the song God, I Look to You
Jenn Johnson/Ian Mcintosh Bethel Music Publishing 2010
Jenn Johnson/Ian Mcintosh Bethel Music Publishing 2010
No comments:
Post a Comment