It's hard to say goodbye

All the emotions hit me the most when I get home - all that we saw and all the children we had to leave behind. When I'm there - there's so much poverty and sickness and heartbreaking conditions all around that it's an overload on the senses and the emotions. I'm in "leader" mode when I'm leading a team and so it's different than it used to be when I was one of the team members and had no other responsibility. In leader mode, I could easily get so focused on schedule and plans and the "itinerary" I put together - but in Haiti - you can't cause nothing really goes exactly as planned anyway. It doesn't on any mission trip so I have learned more and more on each trip to let go of my plans and let God show me His. And it's neat to see how He works it all out. It's kind of a fun adventure when you just let go. Of course, I still plan, I still keep the team's safety and well being as first priority and try to make wise decisions as to what to do when plans change. But it's been freeing to let go of the control I used to THINK I had. But when I'm in leader mode - I find that there's a balance that needs to happen. Yes, I need to lead and care for my team. But I also really feel that it's important to be part of the team too. And most importantly, to love on the kids we are there to minister to. If I'm being really honest, it's easier to just keep busy and take photos of the team members loving on kids and keep my distance. That way you don't get too attached to any kid and leave with your heart ripped out of your chest when you have to say goodbye. But you know what - I don't want to be about what's easier on me. It's not about me! The first few days in Haiti, I realize looking back that I did keep my distance a bit. But the last few days - I was in the moment loving on those kids - often with 2 or 3 on my lap or in my arms at a time and I LOVED it!! And the best part of the trip for me, hands down, was gathering all the children around me and telling them about the Lord, reading them bible stories and telling them how much He loves them. They are not forgotten and I felt such a joy and it was such an honor to be able to be the one that got to share that with them. They were so intently listening to the bible stories those last 2 days - they are so hungry for the Father's love. And I don't ever want to forgot to remind these precious little ones of His promises for them. Now that I'm home, I just feel sad. Honestly, I don't love Haiti - it's way too hot and it's so dirty. The trips there are exhausting - partly because of the heat but hugely because of the pain and poverty there. But I love the people of Haiti and I especially love the children. And so I do hope I get to go back. I feel like I'm building relationships with them and now having been twice, it felt more like home. More than anything I long for each one of the children we loved on to know the love of a mom and a dad. But the reality is that some of them never will. That breaks my heart. If I focus too long on that - it weighs me down and has the potential to steal the joy of knowing that our team went in and brought light into a dark place for a few days in Port au Prince. The enemy would love to have us all thinking we didn't really make a difference and to discourage us with so much of the negative that it causes us to give up. But I'm not giving up - I'm not believing his lies. 44 kids now each have a bed to sleep in - not even half of them had one prior to that. All the little girls not only have a bed but moved back into the upstairs in a building they haven't slept in since the earthquake. That in itself is a huge victory! When I get overwhelmed with emotion, I need just remember those girls jumping up and down and squealing for joy when they walked into their room and saw all their beds for the first time. So thankful to Sweet Sleep for providing such a wonderful blessing! I need to remember that we gave each kid their own toiletry kit and a container to keep all their stuff in - when they probably have never had much of anything of their very own. I need to remember how our whole team had children all around us and we gave them love and prayed for them and brought smiles to their faces. It's hard to come home and leave those children behind but I have to believe that we also left behind some hope, some joy and a message of God's love for them that will stay long after we returned home. I left part of my heart in Haiti with those kids and so that makes me sad to be home in so many ways. I missed home while I was there but now that I'm home, I miss all of them. And I see their little faces in my mind. I hope to see all of them again in the near future and thank the Lord for the honor and privilege to be able to share His love and the message of Jesus with them. Seeing all their little heads bowed, eyes closed and hearing their voices all praying together to thank God for keeping them safe in the earthquake was a moment I will not forgot. I feel like I got to be a part of such a sacred, sweet moment - and I wouldn't trade that for anything. No matter how much it breaks my heart each time.