Preparing My Heart

I leave for China tomorrow - Easter Sunday. Today, I've been packing and praying and thinking about the kids I met in Costa Rica, looking at their pictures and missing them. I've been thinking about how much I wanted to bring a sibling group of 5 home with me but knowing it's not my time yet. I don't even know if they can be adopted - they have a mom - she just keeps getting them taken away from her for neglect. Last time, she left them home alone. And now, she's pregnant again. I pray for her and for those kids. And I pray for their sake, she will get it together and be the mom they deserve. Part of me still wants to be their mom. I cannot get their faces out of my mind. They are in my dreams at night. And they are most definitely in my heart. I know the Lord has put the desire to be a mom and specifically to adopt in my heart - but I have not felt Him yet say "this is the time". So I wait and I trust that I am doing what I can do in the meantime by going and loving on kids and being Jesus to them. I long for the day when I can do more by bringing a child home and being their mommy.

I just watched a video on youtube that my co-worker posted about a family that just adopted 4 kids from Ethiopia. I sat here watching with tears just pouring out. I don't remember ever just bursting out crying as often as I have lately - since I went to Costa Rica. On Compassion trips, when you meet your sponsored child - you know you'll still write to them and you know they are being taken care of, provided for, given a hope and a future - through Compassion and the local church. You leave feeling uplifted and purposeful. You go thinking it's to encourage your sponsored kid and in turn - you end up being the one encouraged. And I came home from that trip with 2 more sponsored kids and later sponsored 3 more and became a volunteer. It wasn't hard to leave. I met my kids family and they were poor financially but rich in love. And I knew he was in good hands and a loving home. I wasn't sad to leave. It was different on this trip to Costa Rica. I fell in love with kids that I don't know if I will get to see or talk to again. I don't know where they'll end up or what will happen to them. Knowing their stories and seeing their smiles yet also seeing the pain behind those smiles - it's heart wrenching. It's a different kind of purpose on a trip like this - it's going in to the dark and bringing light. It's loving kids that may not know what that feels like and may not even know how to receive it. It's knowingly walking into a situation that you know is going to be emotional and painful and heartbreaking - but it's so not about me - cause if it were - I wouldn't go and keep having my heart broken like that. But I'm compelled to go by a father who loves me and loves these kids - even more than I do. And I want them to know that love. It breaks my heart to go - because it should. And I fully expect it to happen in China too. And that's why my heart is heavy tonight. I know that I will fall in love with these children. I know that I will laugh and play and have fun with them. I know I will make new friends with the team that's going and I know I will be glad that I went. But I also know that it will be hard to leave and I will leave part of my heart behind. So I sit here tonight and prepare, pray and ask God to give me and the rest of the team the strength we need. And He will cause He's the one who has called us to go. He has gone before us and prepared the way. And through Christ, I can do all things!

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